This morning I had to send my contact information to a group and I gave them the address of the townhouse. Made no sense to give them this address only to change in two weeks - less than two weeks. And the two other new jobs will never see the old address as I no longer see that as attached to me, the new me, the TRUE me.
The physical address issue settled, I am now contemplating how I am going to be addressed. It is a bit complicated, and I’m not even dealing with choosing to keep or drop the last name of my son’s father.
Once upon a time, just over 38 years ago, my mother put a name on my birth certificate. The name of the father became my last name, “T” for the next 20 years until I got married. Then I took my husband’s last name. We had our three daughters and they have his last name, “W.” 7 years after I changed from my “birth” name “T” to my married name “W” I learned that the father listed was NOT my father. Well, no matter in regards to how I was addressed. I was still Mrs. “W.”
At the end of another 3 years, however, I was about to no longer be married to Mr. “W.” What to do? Under normal circumstances, I would have immediately reverted to my “maiden” name. However, I knew that “T” was not in fact MY name. I had met my father, “M,” and could have chosen to do all sorts of legal stuff to take “M” as my name.
Our names are our identities. At that moment in time, I did not identify with a name, a person I had only been aware of for less than 3 years. My biological father & I had, at best, then a new “friendship.” An odd place to be as an adult child is attempting to carve out a relationship with a parent you will never experience as a parent. I was not Ms. “M.”
My only understanding of divorce and the issues it brings were from the pov of a child whose mother had been divorced, remarried & had another child. Her last name had been different than mine. It had been awkward. Influenced by what my mother did or didn’t do, yet again, I kept Mrs. “W” as my legal name. My children & I had the same last name. It was simple enough.
Life & identity are NOT simple.
Very soon after, I participated in a sweat lodge ceremony in CO, with an Ojibwe elder. It was an important step in claiming myself back from the previous decades of negativity and co-dependent relationships, stemming back to the one with my mother.
The pivotal change was my name.
Traditionally, your old self dies and is left buried in the sweat lodge. You are re-born a new person, and gain a new name. The new identity serves to remind you constantly of who you are NOT, as well as who you are now.
Left behind was BOTH Miss “T” and Mrs. “W” - the person my mother had created in naming me at birth & the person my marriage and life had shaped after.
Born that day was “K” with no last name. I have remained legally Mrs. “W” though. Until very recently, it has not bothered me that she exist on paper only. It has been a slight annoyance, like the low drone of a mosquito somewhere in the tent.
Now, I want a fresh clean start.
With a new street address, with a new career address, I am ready for a new form of being addressed. As I merrily typed in the new house address for a new job, I had to also give them my full name. As usual I provided the single moniker. The one that trips up some folks as to whether it’s a first AND last or a “wha???”
I did use part of the “K” and the “M” as a pen name beginning last Autumn when my new life began it’s cycle ~ 1st the old self died with the leaves and now as Spring is in full bloom, so is the new me.
One more item on the “To Do” list of my new life is now finding out how to legally change my name to who I want mail to the new street to be addressed to.
They are off-kilter today and I am neither surprised, nor too concerned. ENOUGH conscious distraction — 
